Brothers

When I was pregnant with Cameron, I remember the anticipation of finding out whether we were having a boy or a girl.  Anyone who knows me knows that I want a daughter so badly, but I am being completely honest when I say that with Cameron, I really hoped for a boy.  Obviously, I would have been happy with a girl but the idea of two boys started to grow on me before we ever even knew he was a boy.  I thought about how much fun it would be for Owen to have a brother.  I envisioned the two of them running through the house together, wrestling, playing with trains.  I could see a sweet little boy, toddling behind his big brother and trying to do everything he was doing, even though he would be too small to do it.  I saw Owen helping and protecting his little brother, just like big brothers are meant to do.  I heard them arguing.  I heard them laughing.  I saw this:

While it's just a snapshot in time, I think you can pretty much see a lot of that in this photo.  You probably see two brothers having fun, laughing and being silly together.  Just like the two brothers I saw before they were even two brothers.  What you don't know about this photo, what you can't see because it is, indeed, just a snapshot in time, is that they weren't really wrestling or playing together.  In fact, the little brother smiling so sweetly in this photo probably wasn't paying too much attention to the older brother.  The older brother wasn't wrestling with him, but more hanging on him, trying to somehow get into his world and get him to interact with him.  There are smiles, yes.  The big brother always smiles when trying to hug on the little brother.  But that's not why the little brother is smiling.  He's probably smiling because I asked him what a monkey says and he thinks that's funny.  Or he could have been smiling for reasons completely unknown to the rest of us there.  And while I don't remember for certain, it is a pretty safe bet that as soon as this photo was taken, the little brother promptly pushed the big brother away from him and they both went about their business, playing very differently in their own worlds. 

This is not to say that this wasn't a fun moment for our family.  Quite the opposite, actually.  It was a very pleasant evening where we all enjoyed ourselves and I still look at this photo and think it is adorable.  It's just not exactly what I envisioned 3 years ago when I heard the words, "It's a boy."  And that has been one of the biggest hurdles for me since Cameron's diagnosis; something I struggle with daily.  To let go of what should have been and accept what is.  And more important than just accepting it, finding happiness in it.

Monday night we went to our first PTA meeting.  They provided pizza and free child care so we figured we would give it a go and see how Cameron would do.  If he couldn't adapt, Cody would just take him outside and wait until the meeting was over.  Cody took him to the child care room and talked to the young girl about Cameron.  He gave her his cell phone number just in case Cameron didn't do well and then came back to the meeting.  After about 15 or 20 minutes, he went to peek in the room and see how things were going.  The young girl gave him a thumbs up through the window.  But then, Owen somehow saw Cody through the window and yelled, "Daddy!!!  Cameron doesn't like it in here!"  Cody went in to see what was up and Owen proceeded to tell him that Cameron kept taking him by the hand and leading him to the door in an effort to "tell" him that he wanted to leave.  In a room of about 10 kids and a couple of babysitters, Cameron knew there was one person in that room he should go to.  He knew he belonged to Owen and that Owen belonged to him.  Even though there are so many days where it seems like Cameron doesn't see him.  Where it seems like Owen is just another thing in the room to him.  The little brother went to the big brother for help.  And the big brother, always the protector, knew that he had to yell for Daddy to help his little brother.

Maybe what is isn't so far from what should have been after all...